I'm Still Here.

Well I made it a couple of weeks without my man. It was so hard, in that time i learned alot about who I am and what i want. Don't get me mistaken, just because I know doesn't mean I'm gonna get it. I'm not ready to help myself quite yet. I still want him so so badly. Besides my man I've got more drama for you. My mom has been helping me financially for a couple months. Well she just lost here job so  we are truely fucked.

Who am I?

Who am I? This is something I think about alot.
I am stubborn and most times outspoken.
I am rarely jealous but, frequently insecure.
I want to be a good mother and to be happy.
I don't mind being alone but, am often lonely.
I hang on to things to long sometimes but, also able to walk away.
I love my friends but, feel betrayed by most of them.
I think O.J. is a murderer.
I sometimes drink too much.
I don't cry often but, when I do it,s hard to stop.
I love movies.
My mother is a drunk and not a good one.
I get by in life but, still feel like I'm failing sometimes.
I'm not truely happy about where I am in life.
I miss what I can't have badly.

A Little Christmas Surprise

My sons father and I got him the same gift for Christmas. So I decided to let him open mine a few days early. He absolutely loves it. It's a portable dvd player. His dad is also a loser of a man that treats me and every other woman in his life like a possession. As much as I hate to say it I absolutely hate my sons father. He is one of the worse mistakes of my life. but im so glad i met him because i got a true miracle from it.  If I had known better in the beginning I would have done things so much differently. Dealing with him most days takes everything I've got in me. My son is almost 6 years old and we haven't been together since he was just born and he still tries to dictate my life. If there is a strange car at my house he will just show up and cause a scene. He calls all the time when I'm not home to find out where I'm at. My boyfriend says he is the reason our future is going nowhere. The truth is though I'm the one that is allowing my future to go nowhere. I need an angel that sits on my shoulder and tells me that I will be ok on my own. Just stay strong girl you will survive. I don't have alot of friends that haven't stabbed me in the back. Even the girl I thought to be one of my best friends, has done the worst to me. One night about 2 years ago 4 of us were all drinking together. Me, my boyfriend, his best friends, and his best friends wife were all at a local small town bar having a few beers. It was a bad snow storm so when we were done drinking we decided to stay at their house. We lay down on the could and my old man passes out. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pockets to see what time it was, since mine was across the house. As soon as I opened it I saw he had a text from his best friends wife. The time on the text was while we were all sitting at the table together, I thought this was a little odd so I checked the text to see what she had to say to him that me and her husband obviously couldn't hear. The texts, as in 2, were very inappropriate. I immediately got up and left in the middle of the night. There will be more to come soon.

Sunday Afternoon Football

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm watching the chiefs beat up one the Packers. This particular day this is the last thing my mind. I am lost in a darkness, a darkness that has little hope for light. Im in love with a man who has little to no respect for me. He would rather put me down than to ever lift me up. So I am short on money of course because it's Christmas time. He is being a asshole to me because I am broke. News flash piece of shit, I spent my last 400 dollars on you. So how dare you treat me like shit. I need to find the strength to stand up and say no more. He acts like every aspect of my life is his business but, wouldn't volunteer any information about his. back to making this about me. This will be the one part of my life for now that he can not control or push around.
I have not had a great life. I will probably never tell anyone a quarter of the things that have happened to me in my lifetime. Half of it is embarassing and the other half is too painful to talk about.
Life has turnedd me from a lil angel to a lil devil.